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Contributed by Barbara Taylor
Personally I find this is a challenging topic to write about.
Not because it is by definition a complex subject, but because I sense that I am currently caught in a bit of an unconscious fog with respect to these dynamics and how they are working in some aspects of my life. This is obscuring my ability to see myself clearly.
Analytical psychology tells us that this is precisely the way self-awareness operates: first we project ourselves out into the world, onto others, and then – if we’re curious and willing – we can eventually grasp what’s going on and find a healthy way to integrate our personal ‘blind spots’ into our conscious personality.
Some new insights are emerging for me on this particular life theme of leading and following. Am I most comfortable leading, or following? How does each role help me and/or hinder me from going after what I want and getting my needs met?
I’ve noticed, over the years, that I am most comfortable in a work setting at a level that is at least one or two rungs down from ‘the top’. Probably the best job I ever had was my first fulltime role after graduation, as assistant to the director of continuing education in a university setting. My boss, Allan, was an astute mover-and-shaker type who knew his stuff and who was truly invested in bringing out the best in his team. We would shoot for the moon (the department’s role was to generate income and expand the student base for the university) and anytime we created unpleasant waves for the academics or the administration, he would rise to the challenge and take on his adversaries with gusto. I was able to test my wings, watch and learn, and stay a safe distance back from the heat of most conflicts.
I was never called upon to be an ‘expert’, yet I was offered the opportunity to develop as much skill, confidence, and growth as I was willing to pursue. Allan ‘had my back’ at all times. He was delighted with my curious mind, my creative thinking abilities, and my high-energy approach to diving in and doing whatever was necessary when time was of the essence.
Looking back, I believe my work relationship with Allan was a healthy illustration of the growth and blossoming that can occur when one has a capable leader.
Leadership is not about the leader
Rosabeth Moss Kanter, in her book Confidence: How Winning Streaks & Losing Streaks Begin & End, has this to say about leadership: “Leadership is not about the leader; it is about how he or she builds the confidence of everyone else. Leaders are responsible for both the big structures that serve as the cornerstones of confidence, and for the human touches that shape a positive emotional climate to inspire and motivate people.” She goes on to say that while leaders need self-confidence, this is not the real secret of leadership. “The more essential ingredient is confidence in other people. Leadership involves motivating others to their finest efforts and channeling those efforts in a coherent direction.”
Where there is light, there is also (of course!) shadow. I’m now realizing that I have probably been – at some level – trying to replicate those dynamics with Allan ever since I lived them 30 years ago! How well this has served me is anyone’s guess.
In reflecting on this topic today, I thought of the metaphor of choosing to follow a semi-trailer on a dark, deer-infested highway: it provides excellent protection from a potential collision with unpredictable animals, but it makes it really hard to see what’s in front of you and where you are ultimately going!
One downside of staying comfortably behind a leader may be an underdeveloped knowledge base about what one is truly capable of. This, I think, sets the stage for just enough self-doubt to create hesitation when opportunities do arise. We’re unsure. If only we could just zip into Allan’s office for five or ten minutes and run the idea by him, see what he thinks about our ability to rise to the occasion, and get the exact pep talk we need to accept the challenge and get going!
In addition to self-doubt, I wonder if those of us who seek strong and positive leadership can also tend to doubt the abilities of the new person on our horizon who is now showing up in the potential role of leader. We ask ourselves: Is it safe to trust this person and really become engaged in the work at hand? Does he possess adequate values and vision? Will she set a good example and create enough structure to facilitate success? How will I be treated? It’s prudent to ask these questions.
Energy is freed and focus is possible when people have confidence in one another
According to Kanter, “When people have confidence in one another, they are willing to lead and be led by the team. They do not have to second-guess, double back, or duplicate other people’s work. They catch problems more quickly or take bolder steps because they do not worry about embarrassment or punishment. Energy is freed and focus is possible when people have confidence in one another. When they can count on other people’s support, they don’t have to fear their attacks or monitor their every move. When people give one another the benefit of the doubt and, better yet, believe in one another, more projects are launched, more innovations get seeded, and more work gets done.”
But how do you get there?
Impressive….so that’s what it looks like when you arrive at team confidence! But how do you get there? I know that I had confidence in Allan and his abilities because I was willing to both be led by him and to create and explore various opportunities for taking the lead at appropriate times. I trusted that Allan would provide the necessary evaluative feedback I needed and that he would deliver it in a safe and supportive way. My energy was therefore freed up and my motivation was high to work hard and do my best.
What was it about Allan that made this possible for me? Or, that enabled me to give myself permission to passionately give it my best?
Kanter seems to think that the role of leader doesn’t require an exceptional personality. “Although the charisma of leadership tends to be associated with larger-than-life individuals who weave inspirational spells, charisma can become a property of a whole group of people who believe in one another and the power of their teamwork….that’s the real magic—to make leadership appear from many unexpected places, just when it is needed.”
Allan definitely had charisma, but Kanter puts more weight on the ingredients for confidence that can be generated in a team: “Confidence blossoms when people feel connected rather than isolated, when they are willing to engage and commit to one another, when they can act together to solve problems and produce results, ignoring boundaries between them. A culture of pride stems from respect for the talents and potential of other people in the system. Mutual confidence begins with firsthand knowledge of one another and the chance to discover human connections. ‘Chemistry’ is not a mysterious factor dependent of whether people happen to hit it off; bonds grow from working together on real and important tasks that achieve success.”
Finding the best fit
As I weigh the above ideas, I surmise that a skilled leader works to inspire, direct, and encourage his or her team toward a mutually successful outcome. For me personally, I very much like the look and feel of Kanter’s description of the synergy that can exist in a group that’s confident in the abilities of its members. While this can include the leader, I still think that I prefer the at-least-one-rung-down role of team member. I know that I can function more fully and freely when I am responsible for my part in the process, but not the overall accountability for the entire outcome.
Further, as I feel into the type of team member I would want to be, I come back to the image of the semi-trailer. Ideally, I would want to be less concerned with protection from unseen elements and more focused on seeing where I’m going and having options as to how I get there!
I feel fortunate to have had my sheltered position working for Allan at such a formative time in my life. It’s given me a benchmark experience of how it feels to confidently take on new territory, knowing that mistakes can be turned productively into useful data that will lead to an improved attempt at the next new venture. But I have also grown and matured in the decades since that time and, at this stage in my life, it’s helpful to remind myself that I can apply my skills and experience in similar ways and benefit from the results even without Allan around to guide me.
My internal fog clears as I consider the type of team environment I would most like to participate in. As I think about the dynamics of a successful team and how the functions of leading and the following become fluid as needed, I find it less of an issue to figure out which role I am comfortable in. I know that there will be times when I will be called upon to be both. I can instead channel my energy for further exploration of this topic into recognizing and building upon the successful qualities Kanter describes, facilitating personal growth as I interact with others in my work and home environments.
What About You?
Some points to consider for finding your own best fit
It’s not easy to see ourselves clearly in our roles and relationships. When driving a vehicle, we need windows, side and rear view mirrors, and frequent shoulder checks in order to monitor where we’re going and what the others around us are doing. By staying awake and alert at the wheel, we have the best chance of safely navigating to and from our destination and enjoying the ride along the way.
The same is true in our interpersonal lives, whether at work or at home. When we are able to gather accurate feedback and authentically assess our strengths and our weaknesses—and the triggers that nudge us one way or the other—we set the stage for the fullest expression of our gifts and talents and become realistic about the contributions we are capable of.
The following questions will help you to get started in finding your own best fit and creating the circumstances that will help you to thrive. For further tips and information sources on this and other related topics, consult the Resources section of The Upside Life website.
- Have you ever thought about your own preferred role as either a leader or a follower?
- Which role brings out the best in you? Consider your environments at work, at home, and in your social circles.
- Do you remain in one role or the other most of the time, or do you shift back and forth? Are you aware of when and how you do this?
- Do you see either of these roles as negative and therefore avoid it? Why?
- Do you think the world generally views one of these roles as preferable to the other? What data or experience do you base your conclusion on?
- Have you ever experienced working with or for someone (not necessarily in an employment position) whom you would describe as an excellent leader? What is it about this person that makes them stand out for you?
- What do you think about Kanter’s description of the characteristics of successful teams?
- When you reflect on a team you are currently a member of, or one you’ve been a part of in the past, how well does your team fit Kanter’s description?
- How well do you fit her description of a confident and motivated team member?
- If you fell short in your self-assessment, what got in the way of you delivering your best performance or contribution?
- What might have made a positive difference for you?
- How do you think the outcome might have changed if circumstances had been better for you?
- If you are currently dissatisfied with a leader or follower issue in your life, or a team situation that you are involved in, how might you begin to analyze your role in the situation and see if there is room for positive change? How could you get started?
“Live like it’s your last day...”
Had I gazed into a crystal ball or had my palm read 30 years ago, I would have been shocked to hear that I would one day become a “snow bird”, live part-time in a gated 55+ community, and engage in bird watching!
Leaving behind my home base in the Pacific Northwest, I‘ve spent the last few months on a sabbatical in southern Florida. As I prepare to pack up for my return home, I realize that this lifestyle has become my “new normal.” I have always strived to maintain a healthy balance between my work and my play time, but lately I find myself comparing my progress with what I see around me here in my new, southern community. Living here is like watching a living laboratory into my future self: all around me are active, vibrant, and seemingly wise people “of a certain age.”
I recently met the most inspiring role model! I was on the local tennis court with my partner, at the top of our middle-aged form (elbow band on my racquet arm and athletic brace on his knee) and ready to take on our opponents. Across the net from me was a lovely lady of more advanced age than I. As the game unfolded I did my best to return her shots, all the while noticing the quality of her play and her agility on the court.
I became very curious to know her age. I did the inappropriate thing (!) and asked her outright. “I will be 87 on my next birthday, in 3 weeks”, she proudly replied, flashing me a lovely smile. What a dynamic and impressive woman! I asked her for her secret and this is what she said:” Stay active and involved.”
She got me thinking about the specifics of what I do to maximize my health and well being. Many questions ran through my mind, including whether we have a choice as to how well we age. My personal belief is that we have a lot of control over the outcome. While some of us have been blessed with a good set of genes, inevitably the way we take care of ourselves plays a very significant role.
Here is my top 10 list for living long and living well:
1. Eating healthy and in moderation – I try to cook most of my own meals so I have full control over the ingredients and the method of cooking. I buy whole grains and avoid “white” foods, e.g. white bread or rice. I read labels and look for high fibre and low sugar contents while avoiding saturated fats.
2. Exercising regularly – I love tennis, as you’ve probably guessed, and I play as often as I can. My usual routine is to walk or cycle to work daily. I also try to practice yoga twice a week.
3. Connecting with friends – I cherish my friendships and the exchanges of personal stories and significant moments. I especially enjoy sharing meals with my friends, having great conversations, and laughing out loud.
4. Sleeping at least 8 hours – I am blessed with an ability to fall asleep easily and experience restful sleep. When I ensure that I get my eight hours of sleep, I feel refreshed in the morning and ready to take on the world.
5. Having a positive attitude – I try to be a realist and put life’s events into perspective, e.g. “This too shall pass.”
6. Trying new things – I love to explore my creative side. Currently I am finding immense enjoyment in photography. I have also started to do some writing and have taken a new art class on fusing glass.
7. Brushing my teeth and flossing daily to help keep a healthy body – Scientific evidence shows that inflammation in the mouth increases the risks of chronic disease such as diabetes, heart disease, and others.
8. Being in a loving relationship where my partner and I feel that we enhance each others’ lives – I love that we can share ideas freely, and support each other and agree to disagree sometimes.
9. Maintaining honest and supportive relationships with my children, mother, and sister –it feels great to have a close friendship with them.
10. AND finally…..Living with deep gratitude and appreciation for the life I have and with excitement for what’s yet to come.
Questions to consider:
1. What tips do you have for living a full and fulfilling life?
2. Who are your role models?
3. What can you do now to start improving your health for your future? How can you get started?
Contributed by Steve Goldberg
Synchronicities are a huge part of my life experience and, I believe, a significant part of what it means to live an Upside perspective. By “synchronicity”, I’m referring what can happen when we practice the art of being open, alert, and curious within ourselves and towards our surroundings (in synch) so that we can observe and attract the people and opportunities into our lives that we might otherwise have ignored or missed.
I further believe that these unpredictable events are the result of unexplainable forces which can impact and influence the course of our lives in positive and meaningful ways. For me it’s about paying attention while staying open to and curious about the signs and signals around me. I have been rewarded abundantly in my life with this approach.
In last week’s column I shared the story of how, through a series synchronistic events, I met Nelson Mandela in 1990 the day after his release from prison. In my reflections over the years on the events of that amazing day, I am struck by how easily I could have missed it all.
These were some of the things that occurred behind the scenes:
- I had initially planned on leaving Africa the day prior. My flight was canceled at the last minute and I had been given a re-routing option, but my inner voice told me not to travel that day and instead stay another day.
- I called and even though the hotel was fully booked, I somehow managed to extend my stay. I had no idea that this was the same hotel that Mandela would be visiting.
- I got back to my room exhausted from the airport ordeal and the toll of the heavy work schedule I had experienced in the preceding several weeks. I was so tired that I could have quite easily slept the rest of the night away. Instead, my instincts told me to go out, get some air, and do some exploring.
- My curiosity was rewarded by arriving at the reception line forming to view Mandela walk the red carpet laid out in front of our hotel lobby. If I hadn’t heeded my sense of curiosity, I would have missed the next wonderful opportunity as well: running into my long lost friends who were now working with Mandela. They arranged to sneak me into the State dinner that evening and, later, meet him in person.
Experience has taught me time and again that, as John Lennon so eloquently put it, “Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.” What’s often difficult to grasp, particularly during challenging times, is that there are always solutions and sources of unseen help ready to assist if/when we are receptive to them.
Questions for reflection:
- Have synchronicities been rare or common events in your life?
- What are some examples of synchronicity in your life that had important meaning for you?
Contributed by Steve Goldberg
Nelson Mandela celebrates with his then-wife Winnie shortly after his release from prison on February 11th, 1990 in Paarl, South Africa
This past week marks the 20th anniversary of the release from prison of former South African President Nelson Mandela. You may recall that, after nearly three decades of imprisonment, there was little hope that Mandela would ever be set free. His 1990 release was one of the most surprising and profound Upside moments of the 20th century, one that is often described as the beginning of the end of apartheid. Four years later, Mr. Mandela would become South Africa’s first democratically elected and black president.
Mandela’s historic release from prison holds special significance for me as I had the amazing good fortune to be in the right place at the right time not only to witness it first-hand, but to actually meet him in person!
I was working in Zimbabwe with the World Health Organization at the time of the unanticipated announcement of the impending release by then-President F. W. de Klerk. I happened to be staying at the hotel where Mandela was scheduled to arrive for a hastily-organized state dinner the day after his release. I was right there when Mandela and his wife Winnie were ushered out of their car and escorted along a red carpet through the hotel lobby. It felt like the most powerful event of my life! Yet things became even more amazing from here!
I raced into the hotel elevator to return to my room to call family and friends back home and share the incredible news. The elevator was packed. Looking up, to my amazement I found myself in the company of two friends I had first met in the jungles of Zambia but hadn’t seen in years. Ironically, we had met on a hiking trip at the time they were in training to become photojournalists who would be ready to cover Mandela’s release from prison, if such an unlikely event were ever to occur.
The three of us were overjoyed to be reunited with each other. My friends, who were insiders to the Mandela event in the hotel, told me to get dressed and they would attempt to sneak me into the state dinner about to take place downstairs! They managed to do so and I was able to be part of the most electrifying and historic evening imaginable, culminating with an address from Mandela. I will never forget his talk: he focused his remarks on reaching into our hearts in order to forgive and to let go of the past so that we could be hopeful and optimistic for the future. You could have heard a pin drop in the room while Mandela was speaking.
At the end of the dinner, I met up with my friends and they asked if I would like to meet Mandela. We patiently waited for an opportunity and when it came, they whispered into his ear.
He looked right into my eyes and said, “I heard about you and your time in the jungle with my boys here.”
I returned his smile and told him, “I heard about you as well, Mr. Mandela…welcome home.”
It amazes me that even though 20 years have passed, these events are still fresh in my mind and heart. I have often reflected on the talk Mandela gave that evening and marvel at how truly inspiring it was to hear him feel and express what he did after all the years of pain, isolation, and mistreatment he endured. He is, for me, the authentic embodiment of living on the Upside.
For more on the anniversary of Nelson Mandela’s release from prison:
http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/africa/02/10/mandela.anniversary/index.html
Contributed by Barbara Taylor
Lately I’ve been reading in a borrowed book called Zen Seeing, Zen Drawing: Meditation in Action by Frederick Franck (1993). While the book is classified in the genre of art/painting, it’s really a book about how to see the world and life itself. Franck uses the medium of drawing as a way to catalyze creativity and intensify awareness.
There are many wonderful gems in Franck’s book. As an art student, what struck me most about his approach is his distinction between “looking-at” and “seeing.” In his frame of reference, seeing arises out of our original nature and touches the heart whereas looking-at is a product of our conditioning and is more “cold hearted.” To be looked-at is to be pigeonholed as a ‘this’ or a ‘that’. To see is the specifically human capacity that opens one up to empathy and to compassion with all that lives and dies.
There is so much going on around us—and therefore within us—that is challenging these days. When we are caught in the grip of our stressors, we tend to look-at the individuals in our lives and indeed life itself through the layers of our conditioning. We miss the moments of grace inherent in true seeing and authentic connection with one another in the immediacy of now.
Frank includes many Zen stories in his book. One that applies here is this:
“One day a monk spoke bitterly to the Buddha about the unbearable sorrows of the world. The Buddha remained silent. Then a faint smile appeared on his face.
He pointed at the earth between his feet, and said: “On this earth I have attained awakening.”
Each day it is so easy to forget the unfathomable mystery of being here, the gift of “sheer existence” to use Franck’s words.
No matter what is going on around and within you, I invite you to routinely find a way to pause and place yourself in the unique circumstances that will ‘reset’ your frame of mind to one that can make space for the mystery, the wonder, of being alive.
This may be:
- a place in nature
- a warm bath in the glow of a candle
- a private time with your headphones and your favorite piece of music…
Whatever it is that assures your mind that the problems you face will survive, even if you set them aside for a while to return for a few moments to your “original nature.”
Be good to yourself. Take care of yourself. No one else can do it quite as well as you can!
Contributed by Olga Dudek
I saw the above quotation on a card recently. It made me laugh and reminded me of someone…me!
I realize that pausing to take a breath is sometimes so much more effective than being reactive, wherein I feel I instantly need to respond to a situation. I often need to remind myself to focus on what is going on right now, in this unique moment, while giving my “mind chatter” time to quiet down.
This was exquisitely pointed out last week when I watched a beautiful video entitled Celebrate What’s Right with the World. In this 22 minute video, Dewitt Jones (a world-class photojournalist for National Geographic) describes the process of “waiting for the right moment, being open to possibilities”.
An example that really stuck out for me was when Jones asked Maryanne Campbell, widely known as the finest weaver in Scotland, what she thinks about as she creates her intricate tapestries. Her reply: “When I weave, I weave”.
I decided to apply this kind of wisdom the next time I set out with my camera to a favourite nature preserve in my community. I am aware of the shift that takes place in me when I step outside and look through my camera. The world viewed through the lens of a camera creates a clarity that is often missed with the naked eye.
On this day, I quietly repeated the following words to bring myself more fully into the moment:
Clarity, focus, attention… Clarity, focus, attention…
Ahhhh… everything else began to slide into the background — work issues, relationship conflicts, financial concerns, everything I had previously been thinking about.
I spent time watching a beautiful great heron wading in the water and grooming itself. I marveled at the light playing off of his colourful feathers.
I snapped a few pictures and admired the result. Deciding I had a good one, I almost moved on. But I then I remembered and repeated my new mantra, “Clarity, focus, attention…” and patiently waited some more. Soon, two herons moved closer together and then I saw it, the “heart” created from their connection. This was the result…
Photo by Olga Dudek, 2010
Celebrate What’s Right with the World (Dewitt Jones, National Geographic, 22 minutes) is well worth viewing, even if you only have time to see part of it.
http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=43381348
Questions to ponder:
- Do you “suffer” from hurry-up-and-move-on-to-the-next-thing, like me?
- What values/gifts have you uncovered by being patient?
Contributed by Steve Goldberg
“Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world.
Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
- Margaret Mead
I wanted to share a special world wide event that began ten days ago. It is the third annual Winter Feast for the Soul presented virtually around the globe for 40 days from Jan 15th – Feb 23rd, 2010. Winter was chosen for the event because it is recognized as the ideal time to go deep and reconnect with spirit.
The idea for this inspirational event is to have thousands of people join daily in reflection, prayer and meditation through guided online sessions. The organizers believe that the vibration we create has the power to transform our personal lives and our planet.
The event started in 2008 by one woman inspired by a three-line poem by the 13th century poet and mystic Jelaluddin Rumi:
“What nine months does for the embryo
Forty early mornings
Will do for your growing awareness”
There is no prescribed spiritual practice for this event. People are encouraged to use a spiritual practice that brings them peace and stillness. The idea is to set aside 40 minutes daily for spiritual practice with commitment to personal and planetary peace.
For some this may seem like an enormous commitment of time. Rather than focus on the amount of time spent, please consider taking whatever time you can to reflect each day for the next 40 days about finding more personal and global peace in our world.
With all the natural and man-made disasters facing us today, taking time collectively to reflect on what’s possible, rather than what is can be enormously powerful!!
There’s also a beautiful video on You Tube which conveys the vision of this wonderful event. See:
Questions for reflection:
- Do you believe that your personal vibration and the collective vibration of others have transformative power?
- What examples have you seen in your life when your peacefulness has helped to create calmness and resolution to a challenging situation?
Find out more about participating at winterfeastforthesoul.com. On the homepage you will find a link in the upper left titled Online Guided Meditations for 2010. Click on that link and you will open a page with all the meditations that will be offered this year. Click on the links to see the schedule and listen to audio recordings.
Contributed By Steve Goldberg
Six hundred miles from where I winter in South Florida, a huge tragedy continues to unfold. My heart has ached for Haiti for so long. It’s a country fraught with a multitude of problems—significantly compounded with the events of the past week— yet at the same time is a society abundant with resilient, loving, and passionate people.
Each day this week I’ve gone to bed and arisen in the morning feeling disturbed and inadequate. While I wake up each morning to my own life here in the US, my thoughts are with Haiti. It’s weird for me, connecting the two worlds.
I go to the tap for water or to the fridge to start my breakfast and find myself pausing to feel the pain of Haitians who have lost loved ones, or who don’t yet know the fate of their family and friends. Many don’t yet have food, water, or shelter. After pausing, I then push through, making my breakfast, planning my day, and moving on.
Knowing myself and the tendencies of human nature, soon I won’t be pausing for as long. And perhaps soon after that, I won’t be pausing at all. This is the hidden tragedy for me: how to stay awake, how to care and act in meaningful ways in the face of such devastation?
While I don’t yet have much insight into how to do this right now, I suspect others may be feeling similarly.
A website, www.lovebeyondwords.org, had a post the other day that helped me find some perspective:
“The Haitian earthquake of January 12, 2010 has resulted in loss of lives, and unbearable heartache and pain. Looking at the media reports, we cannot help but be moved with compassion. But in the midst of death and destruction we see a glimmer of hope.
Humanity’s ability to love to feel others’ pain and be moved to action is powerful. We can all play a part in helping. We can help on our knees and we can get up and give to our local churches, the Red Cross and other charitable organizations.
As difficult as this is, we see the resolve and determination of the human spirit that refuses to surrender to defeat. Even when faced with immense odds, it is clear from the worldwide outpouring of help, that all that matters is our love for each other”.
If you are moved to financially support Haitian relief efforts, a good place to start is www.CharityNavigator.org, an independent, non-profit organization that evaluates charity groups based on effectiveness and financial stability. The site has a link for Haiti.
Questions for reflection:
- Do you share my challenge in absorbing the impact of tragic global events while moving through the normal activities of your daily life? What have you learned and what suggestions do you have for others?
- What do you do in order to “stay awake” and to care and take action in meaningful ways when tragedy strikes? What about during more “normal times”?
Submitted by Agnes Carson
January, 2010: a new page on the calendar of both a New Year and a new decade, with a blue moon on New Year’s Eve!
- What will it bring?
- What are you hopeful about?
- What are you glad to release or discard?
- What will you bring to light and to others the coming year?
For most of us, the start of a new year is a time of transition and reflection. I’ve always liked New Year’s Eve:
- crisp and exciting in the Northeast
- a feeling of renewed determination to meet the New Year ahead, full of promise, fresh ideas, and unmade plans.
This week I just happened to pick up a copy of a friend’s book, Moving On, by Sarah Ban Breathnach and noticed a line which has stayed with me since:
“Endings: Every beginning has one, damn it. And in between the endgame we never expected and the fresh start we never wanted lies a terrifying gap of uncertainty: the Transition.”
This got me thinking about transitions and the things they bring out in us. COURAGE was the first word that came to mind. It’s interesting to find the word “rage” tucked inside it, plus the root “cour” which means “heart” and is central in the romance languages. In my thinking, it does take significant courage to face and to feel everything a year presents to us:
- to experience grief
- to see one’s retirement income shrink
- to lose a job or a house, to face mortality and disease
…and in the midst of it all to continue to grow and love, to forgive, to have faith, and to share one’s gifts.
When the unexpected happens, when our worlds get turned upside down (whether a little or a lot), or when we are fearful of what might happen next, that’s when we need courage. Courage helps us to accept our circumstances, to get going and stay motivated so we can do the required work, and to remain authentically ourselves as best as we can, until such time as we can see this time of transition as a gift and an opportunity.
This year I confess I have never been so glad to say goodbye to one year and open my life to the next. I’ve needed my fair share of courage this past year. In January, at the very start of 2009, my family was preparing for the first anniversary of the passing of my sister’s only daughter, my bright and beautiful godchild. We’ll never stop hurting over her loss but I had been praying that we could soon begin to shift from a place of sheer heartache to a healing heart-space filled with wonderful, cherished memories.
While bracing for that particular time of transition, many new and unexpected events began to show up at my door like “uninvited guests” who decided to move in. For starters, along with many other talented and hardworking colleagues at my workplace, I was faced with a downsize during the worst job market any of us have ever experienced. The blows to my personal and financial esteem were sizeable.
The next unwelcome visitor that showed up, following months of tests and surgeries: breast cancer. That really got my attention. Enough, enough! But soon after this came the sudden ending of a serious relationship I had come to cherish and had expected to count on for support while weathering these significant storms in my life. I was told by friends, “You just faced the ‘trifecta’, and we don’t mean that in a good way.” All I can say is that, for a while, it was like hurtling through the sky in a freefall without ever intending to jump out of a plane.
The love and patience that was showered on me during that time by so many different people got me thinking about how I, in turn, could be there for others in an authentic, heartfelt way. To me, this means refraining from empty platitudes, paying attention to others’ unique tempos, and not rushing them to get to a “better place” to accommodate my timetable.
Here’s what I did:
- After taking some time to deeply feel my hurt and my fear, I started to pray for guidance, then began to move, both inside and out.
- I volunteered to help others (offered my coaching, career planning, and resume writing skills to service men and women reentering the work place).
- I offered support to others facing the physical and emotional toll of disease
- I continued to sponsor a little boy in Ethiopia, and I created a new, supportive network for colleagues seeking their next career step.
- I have been especially energized by applying my corporate human resource experience and my skills in learning and developing new talents to join forces with Steve Goldberg and a group of other highly talented and committed individuals to help create an ongoing vision and plan for the evolution of the web project www.upsidetothedownturn.com.
In life, as we continue to move from where we are now to where we are going next, we have the opportunity to pause and view this unique point in time as a portal between what was, and what will be/become. Our moving can take many forms, including:
- physical (moving or exercise)
- emotional (letting go and welcoming the new)
- spiritual (coming to a deeper awareness and understanding), and
- utilizing our talents (recognizing them and using them well).
As we turn the current page, we can benefit from an intentional turn for a meaningful glance (or a penetrating stare) backwards, followed by a courageous step forward.
Dare I say it?
Yes! With gratitude for all that I faced in 2009, “Bring it on, 2010!”
Submitted by Steve Goldberg
Welcome to 2010! I hope you’ve had a fun, love-filled, and reflective holiday season. We at Upside have been busy these past couple of weeks brewing up some exciting changes. We will gradually be unveiling these new developments over the next several weeks. Stay tuned…
During the break, I came across the following video (link below) and thought it spoke well to the power of ideas, the capacity of the heart, and the synchronistic wonder of our interconnected world.
Here’s the gist: on December 7th, 2009 at 1:30 pm GMT Starbucks invited musicians from all over the world to simultaneously sing together to raise awareness for AIDS in Africa. In that one breathtaking moment, musicians from 156 countries began playing “All You Need is Love” in unison!
When I think of love and the Upsides in life, I am reminded of one of my favorite Ben Franklin quotes:
“While we may not be
able to control all that
happens to us,
we can control
what happens inside of us.”
For me, nurturing an Upside perspective is first and foremost about self-love. Independent of our circumstances, love of and belief in ourselves is key to what happens “inside of us”, particularly during challenging times.
We welcome you to sit back and take in all the love that these wonderful musicians donated to the world on December 7th.
Some questions for reflection:
- What part does love play in your life?
- What are some loving acts you’ve experienced from others that helped you get through tough times?
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