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Contributed by Steve Goldberg
Synchronicities are a huge part of my life experience and, I believe, a significant part of what it means to live an Upside perspective. By “synchronicity”, I’m referring what can happen when we practice the art of being open, alert, and curious within ourselves and towards our surroundings (in synch) so that we can observe and attract the people and opportunities into our lives that we might otherwise have ignored or missed.
I further believe that these unpredictable events are the result of unexplainable forces which can impact and influence the course of our lives in positive and meaningful ways. For me it’s about paying attention while staying open to and curious about the signs and signals around me. I have been rewarded abundantly in my life with this approach.
In last week’s column I shared the story of how, through a series synchronistic events, I met Nelson Mandela in 1990 the day after his release from prison. In my reflections over the years on the events of that amazing day, I am struck by how easily I could have missed it all.
These were some of the things that occurred behind the scenes:
- I had initially planned on leaving Africa the day prior. My flight was canceled at the last minute and I had been given a re-routing option, but my inner voice told me not to travel that day and instead stay another day.
- I called and even though the hotel was fully booked, I somehow managed to extend my stay. I had no idea that this was the same hotel that Mandela would be visiting.
- I got back to my room exhausted from the airport ordeal and the toll of the heavy work schedule I had experienced in the preceding several weeks. I was so tired that I could have quite easily slept the rest of the night away. Instead, my instincts told me to go out, get some air, and do some exploring.
- My curiosity was rewarded by arriving at the reception line forming to view Mandela walk the red carpet laid out in front of our hotel lobby. If I hadn’t heeded my sense of curiosity, I would have missed the next wonderful opportunity as well: running into my long lost friends who were now working with Mandela. They arranged to sneak me into the State dinner that evening and, later, meet him in person.
Experience has taught me time and again that, as John Lennon so eloquently put it, “Life is what happens to you when you are busy making other plans.” What’s often difficult to grasp, particularly during challenging times, is that there are always solutions and sources of unseen help ready to assist if/when we are receptive to them.
Questions for reflection:
- Have synchronicities been rare or common events in your life?
- What are some examples of synchronicity in your life that had important meaning for you?
Submitted by Agnes Carson
January, 2010: a new page on the calendar of both a New Year and a new decade, with a blue moon on New Year’s Eve!
- What will it bring?
- What are you hopeful about?
- What are you glad to release or discard?
- What will you bring to light and to others the coming year?
For most of us, the start of a new year is a time of transition and reflection. I’ve always liked New Year’s Eve:
- crisp and exciting in the Northeast
- a feeling of renewed determination to meet the New Year ahead, full of promise, fresh ideas, and unmade plans.
This week I just happened to pick up a copy of a friend’s book, Moving On, by Sarah Ban Breathnach and noticed a line which has stayed with me since:
“Endings: Every beginning has one, damn it. And in between the endgame we never expected and the fresh start we never wanted lies a terrifying gap of uncertainty: the Transition.”
This got me thinking about transitions and the things they bring out in us. COURAGE was the first word that came to mind. It’s interesting to find the word “rage” tucked inside it, plus the root “cour” which means “heart” and is central in the romance languages. In my thinking, it does take significant courage to face and to feel everything a year presents to us:
- to experience grief
- to see one’s retirement income shrink
- to lose a job or a house, to face mortality and disease
…and in the midst of it all to continue to grow and love, to forgive, to have faith, and to share one’s gifts.
When the unexpected happens, when our worlds get turned upside down (whether a little or a lot), or when we are fearful of what might happen next, that’s when we need courage. Courage helps us to accept our circumstances, to get going and stay motivated so we can do the required work, and to remain authentically ourselves as best as we can, until such time as we can see this time of transition as a gift and an opportunity.
This year I confess I have never been so glad to say goodbye to one year and open my life to the next. I’ve needed my fair share of courage this past year. In January, at the very start of 2009, my family was preparing for the first anniversary of the passing of my sister’s only daughter, my bright and beautiful godchild. We’ll never stop hurting over her loss but I had been praying that we could soon begin to shift from a place of sheer heartache to a healing heart-space filled with wonderful, cherished memories.
While bracing for that particular time of transition, many new and unexpected events began to show up at my door like “uninvited guests” who decided to move in. For starters, along with many other talented and hardworking colleagues at my workplace, I was faced with a downsize during the worst job market any of us have ever experienced. The blows to my personal and financial esteem were sizeable.
The next unwelcome visitor that showed up, following months of tests and surgeries: breast cancer. That really got my attention. Enough, enough! But soon after this came the sudden ending of a serious relationship I had come to cherish and had expected to count on for support while weathering these significant storms in my life. I was told by friends, “You just faced the ‘trifecta’, and we don’t mean that in a good way.” All I can say is that, for a while, it was like hurtling through the sky in a freefall without ever intending to jump out of a plane.
The love and patience that was showered on me during that time by so many different people got me thinking about how I, in turn, could be there for others in an authentic, heartfelt way. To me, this means refraining from empty platitudes, paying attention to others’ unique tempos, and not rushing them to get to a “better place” to accommodate my timetable.
Here’s what I did:
- After taking some time to deeply feel my hurt and my fear, I started to pray for guidance, then began to move, both inside and out.
- I volunteered to help others (offered my coaching, career planning, and resume writing skills to service men and women reentering the work place).
- I offered support to others facing the physical and emotional toll of disease
- I continued to sponsor a little boy in Ethiopia, and I created a new, supportive network for colleagues seeking their next career step.
- I have been especially energized by applying my corporate human resource experience and my skills in learning and developing new talents to join forces with Steve Goldberg and a group of other highly talented and committed individuals to help create an ongoing vision and plan for the evolution of the web project www.upsidetothedownturn.com.
In life, as we continue to move from where we are now to where we are going next, we have the opportunity to pause and view this unique point in time as a portal between what was, and what will be/become. Our moving can take many forms, including:
- physical (moving or exercise)
- emotional (letting go and welcoming the new)
- spiritual (coming to a deeper awareness and understanding), and
- utilizing our talents (recognizing them and using them well).
As we turn the current page, we can benefit from an intentional turn for a meaningful glance (or a penetrating stare) backwards, followed by a courageous step forward.
Dare I say it?
Yes! With gratitude for all that I faced in 2009, “Bring it on, 2010!”
Submitted by Steve Goldberg
Welcome to 2010! I hope you’ve had a fun, love-filled, and reflective holiday season. We at Upside have been busy these past couple of weeks brewing up some exciting changes. We will gradually be unveiling these new developments over the next several weeks. Stay tuned…
During the break, I came across the following video (link below) and thought it spoke well to the power of ideas, the capacity of the heart, and the synchronistic wonder of our interconnected world.
Here’s the gist: on December 7th, 2009 at 1:30 pm GMT Starbucks invited musicians from all over the world to simultaneously sing together to raise awareness for AIDS in Africa. In that one breathtaking moment, musicians from 156 countries began playing “All You Need is Love” in unison!
When I think of love and the Upsides in life, I am reminded of one of my favorite Ben Franklin quotes:
“While we may not be
able to control all that
happens to us,
we can control
what happens inside of us.”
For me, nurturing an Upside perspective is first and foremost about self-love. Independent of our circumstances, love of and belief in ourselves is key to what happens “inside of us”, particularly during challenging times.
We welcome you to sit back and take in all the love that these wonderful musicians donated to the world on December 7th.
Some questions for reflection:
- What part does love play in your life?
- What are some loving acts you’ve experienced from others that helped you get through tough times?
Contributed by Steve Goldberg
Of the multitude of books written about happiness, Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert (Random House, 2006) is one of my favourites and, in literary circles, one of the most respected. Gilbert combines incredible wit with powerful and compelling research.
Gilbert is a professor of social psychology at Harvard University who himself makes for a great Upside story. According to his bio, at age 19 he was a high school dropout with dreams of writing science fiction. When a creative writing class at his community college was full, he enrolled in the only available course: psychology. He found his passion there, went on to earn a doctorate in social psychology in 1985 at Princeton, and has since won a Guggenheim Fellowship and the Phi Beta Kappa teaching prize for his work at Harvard.
His major premise in the book is that we as humans are very poor predictors of what will bring us future happiness.
The cover description of the book points out that:
“in our ardent, lifelong pursuit of happiness, most of us have the wrong map. In the same way that optical illusions fool our eyes—and fool everyone’s eyes in the same way—Gilbert argues that our brains systematically misjudge what will make us happy. And these quirks in our cognition make humans very poor predictors of our own bliss.”
Gilbert recently did a brilliant talk for Ted.com about his ideas:
http://www.ted.com/talks/view/id/97
At one point he cites research on lottery winners as well as people who became wheel chair bound due to a traumatic accident. Not surprisingly, the lottery winners expressed a higher level of initial enthusiasm. However, as little as a year later both groups statistically self-reported equal measures of overall happiness and appreciation for life.
It made me wonder, is it possible that we overestimate the satisfaction and happiness that money, acquisitions, and status will bring to our life and at the same time underestimate the learning and insights that often occur when we take the time — or are forced to take the time — to reflect and learn from challenging circumstances?
I personally agree with psychotherapist and author Thomas Moore’s premise in his 1992 book Care of the Soul: that perhaps our most opportune times to cultivate depth and genuineness in our lives—to grow and develop soul—are those when we are out of balance, shaken out of the comfort of our usual day-to-day patterns and the sleepy reverie they induce. It is at times like these that we are brought back to basics, including a fresh and searching look at what really matters to us and what brings meaning to our lives.
Questions:
- What currently brings you happiness in your life? Do you have a sense of what will bring you happiness in the future?
- Daniel Gilbert believes that because we are such poor predictors of our future happiness the best way to predict our future happiness is to speak to others who have accomplished or possess something that we desire. Have you had experience with this method? What did you learn about yourself?
Contributed By Steve Goldberg
I received a lovely email message last week complimenting our work at Upside to the Downturn. The message was from Tim McSorley, who coordinates a Canadian National Film Board program called GDP: Measuring the Human Side of the Canadian Economic Crisis
He thought our subscribers might be particularly interested in a short, four minute film called Sisterhood is Frugal. I viewed it, thought it was great, and wanted to share it with you.
Sisterhood is Frugal is part of a web documentary series entitled The Savers Club and follows Dani, a debt-ridden Calgary radio deejay who admits she’s an “emotional spender”. She realizes she is not alone. Pushed by the economic downturn, she resolves to get smarter about her personal finances and forms a self-help group for women who spend too much.
Emotional spending is an issue for many people. In an article entitled Get Emotional Spending Under Control¹, Amy Fontinelle states that:
“Advertisers spend billions of dollars annually convincing us that products can make us feel successful, prevent us from being bored, help us attract the opposite sex, and a myriad of other things. When ads are carefully designed to manipulate our spending habits, it’s no wonder so many people have become emotional spenders.”
Click here to watch Dani’s brief video, as well as continue with the rest of this story.
Questions for Consideration:
- What, if anything, have you learned about yourself and your spending habits over the last 12 months of this recession?
- Do you consider yourself to be an emotional spender? That is, someone whose wallet tends to be run by their emotions, spending not because they need something or even because they really want it, but because they have stress or problems in other areas of their lives and want to feel better through “retail therapy”.
- Have you recently tried to change this type of spending? If so, what’s been helpful to you?
- What advice, from your own experience, do you have for other emotional spenders?
¹Get Emotional Spending Under Control, by Amy Fontinelle, offers a number of useful tips and techniques for reducing unwanted expenditures. http://www.investopedia.com/articles/pf/08/emotional-spending.asp
A note about the GDP archives: Over the next year, some 250 short films and photo essays will be added to the site. You can join the conversation by visiting http://gdp.nfb.ca and uploading your own videos or images, plus you can provide comments on the many themes and stories on the site. The goal is to develop a broad exchange and dialogue as people live out challenges and triumphs during the current economic crisis.
Research released in the September 28th online edition of the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences suggests that during the Great Depression and other major economic downturns the average life expectancy in the United States actually rose! Yes, you read this correctly!
These were the unexpected findings of University of Michigan researchers José Tapia Granados and Ana Diez Roux when they examined American historical life expectancy and mortality data for the years 1920 to 1940. Specifically, they found that life expectancy during the Great Depression increased by 6.2 years — from 57.1 years in 1929 to 63.3 years in 1933. The increase held for men and women, including white and non-white populations.
I found this data fascinating because I assumed—like most people, according to the researchers—that periods of high unemployment would be more harmful to health than economically better times. A related finding from the study that is equally counter-intuitive is this: mortality rates (the number of deaths) increased during periods of strong economic expansion, such as in 1923, 1926, 1929 and 1936-37.
What could this research be telling us? If we were to view old black and white film footage taken during the Great Depression—such as scenes showing people out of work, or waiting for handouts in bread lines—we would be more likely to see evidence of pain and struggle than images reflecting robust health and well-being. Yet something seems to be going on in challenging times that motivates us to dig in, persevere, and even live longer on average than we do in easier times.
These findings reinforce my view and personal experience that in times of crisis and challenge, our clarity and focus might actually be improved. Could it be that—once we get over the initial shock, fear, and/or anger about our difficult circumstances—our attention is more focused and we engage in resourceful ways of thinking and problem-solving that may be more productive with even better results than in more “normal” times?
Questions for Consideration:
- How has the current economic downturn impacted your thoughts, feelings and behaviour during the past year?
- Have you noticed ways that you have become stronger, more resourceful, and perhaps even more satisfied with some aspects of your life?
Please use the link below share your thoughts with the Upside community.
Submitted by Sharon Roberts
It’s happened to me again: a child teaching me a stunningly powerful lesson! I never would have imagined that a cute, little six-year-old would have the solution to a vexing business issue, but she did…and then some!
My granddaughter D’Arcy’s face lit up as she happily told me about all the great things going on in her first grade class this year, including her pleasure that her best friend was with her and her relief that another girl, who had bullied the other children last year, was not. Following her theme, I asked D’Arcy, “I wonder why it is that some children say and do mean and hurtful things to other children?” With a thoughtful look on her face, D’Arcy answered, “Maybe they don’t know about the bucket.” Noticing the perplexed look on my face, she inquired, “You don’t know about the bucket?” I confessed that I didn’t, but assured her that I really did want to know.
This was her passionate explanation: “Everyone has an invisible bucket and everyone needs to get their bucket filled up. You fill up their bucket when you say nice things to people and do nice things for them. And when you fill up their bucket, it fills up your bucket too!”
Talk about filling your bucket! Mine was spilling over like a waterfall at this point…
She then went on to explain that it’s very important to be sure that we are “bucket fillers”—every day—to the members of our family and to our friends and teachers. After a brief pause, a very concerned look came across her face as she continued, “You don’t want to be a bucket dipper and go dipping in people’s buckets! See, everyone has a dipper too and when you say or do mean and hurtful things, you’re dipping into their bucket and that empties out their bucket and makes them very sad and makes them feel bad. And when you dip into their bucket, it empties your bucket too and makes you feel sad too. So, you don’t want to be a bucket dipper! We want to be bucket fillers!”
A little while later, looking quite sad, she told me: “Sometimes I forget, and I’m a bucket dipper. But Asher (her eight-year-old brother) reminds me I was a bucket dipper. Then I apologize and that fills up his bucket and fills up my bucket too.”
I put my arms around her and hugged her close. D’Arcy had just shared a most powerful and beautiful lesson with me, one I was soon able to pass on to others at work. I was curious to know where she learned about the bucket and dipper and asked her. It turns out that the counselor at her school, Venesa Sokolovic, is sharing this powerful lesson with her students to help put an end to bullying in schools. And Venesa has this teaching available to her thanks to another amazing woman, Carol McCloud, who created a wonderful book for children entitled Have You Filled a Bucket Today?
Back to my vexing business issue…I had been searching and meditating for “that special something” that would sink into the hearts of the deeply divided executive team I was flying off to work with in just three days. I knew instantly that the bucket lesson was the very thing needed to help bridge the impasse. And, oh what a gift it was! The impact of the story on my clients was beyond the beyond. And it reportedly continues to ripple throughout the organization, including to family members. The CEO is thrilled with what is happening and so am I.
This is very impactful for me personally as I see evidence of bullying in so many organizations. Passionate counselors such as Venesa are helping to change this situation by reaching little ones early, helping them to understand that they are powerful in that they each contribute to creating a positive culture by making good choices in what they say and do with each interaction, every single day: Stop – Think – Choose. When they are having trouble choosing what to say or do, they are to ask themselves these questions: “Will this be good for them?” And, “Will it also be good for me?”
The Bucket Story exemplifies a simple, profound process that can work for anyone; at any age and in any setting. I shared with Venesa my outcome at work and she was completely overcome!
Epilogue
I was very curious about the full history behind the bucket story and thought that you might be too. Here is the rest of the story….
Carol McCloud, the woman who inspired Venesa, first heard the idea that a bucket symbolically represented a person’s self-concept—or mental and emotional health—at an early childhood conference in the 1990’s. It was Dr. Donald O. Clifton (1924-2003) who first created the “Dipper and Bucket” story in the 1960’s and it has been passed along ever since. Dr. Clifton later went on to co-author, with his grandson Tom Rath, the New York Times bestseller How Full Is Your Bucket? The children’s version of the book is entitled How Full Is Your Bucket? for Kids. Dr. Clifton was cited by the American Psychological Association as the Father of Strengths Psychology and the Grandfather of Positive Psychology.
What a gift to all of us!
So… how many buckets have you filled today?
Please use the link below share your thoughts with the Upside community.
And as a special bonus, here are few moments of beautiful words and music to help fill your bucket, so you can get out there and fill others’ buckets too!
What a Wonderful World
By Louis Armstrong
I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to myself what a wonderful world.
The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying how do you do
They’re really saying I love you.
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They’ll learn much more than I’ll never know
And I think to myself what a wonderful world
Yes I think to myself what a wonderful world.
Submitted by Olga Dudek
“An elder pointing in the direction of my mom’s childhood home”
I recently returned from an amazing trip to Poland and the Ukraine. My mother, sister and I undertook an adventure of a lifetime: a return to our origins in search of a fuller understanding of our roots.
I now know much more about the story of our lineage. In 1941 — when my mother was eleven years old and her brother was nine — her parents decided to take action based on the circulating rumours of violence, imprisonment and the impending approach of the Nazi army. They gathered together a few of their meager possessions and make ready to leave everything else behind, with little idea about where they were headed and what they would face along the way.
Packing their belongings onto a horse-drawn cart, my mother’s family — along with her uncle’s family of four — said their heart-breaking goodbyes. My mother says she will remember forever the image of her grandparents standing at the gate; it was the last time she would ever see them.
During the family’s exodus they slept on barn floors and in damp forests, hearing the cries of wolves and often seeing their shiny, glassy eyes in the dark edges of the woods. Not far into their journey they were met by the retreating, Eastward-bound Russian army. The family’s horse and cart were taken from them and they were herded onto crowded platforms and crammed into trains with hundreds of other refugees. The trains would transport these displaced people — Russians and Jews — deep into the Ural Mountains, to faraway places in Russia that were previously unheard of and unimaginably cold. My mother’s family was eventually taken in by a Russian family living in a one-room home in a rural village. The climate was unforgiving but the people were hospitable and, for the next five years while the war lasted, they did whatever work was required of them to eke out a modest living.
During my time visiting with relatives in my mother’s homelands this fall I heard so many stories of survival: of hardships to overcome, of hunger, of not knowing where and how life would continue, and of lacking the proper clothing for the freezing weather in their new country.
Is it even possible, now, to fully comprehend living and surviving these kinds of hardships? For most of us in the western world, it is nearly unthinkable to consider facing such situations. Many parts of the globe still face dire circumstances such as hunger, violence, political turmoil, and the need to flee homes and communities. I think of the resilience, adaptability, hope and determination that is required, both in my mother’s childhood and today.
I’m still integrating all the events of our trip and the new insights into my history and my personality. Instead of focusing on the hardships and devastation of our past, I find myself thinking instead of the power and tenacity inherent in all people who live through such tough circumstances.
When I catch myself dwelling on a difficulty that I am currently faced with in my own life, I challenge myself to remember my mother’s story and place my situation in its proper perspective. While my own modern journey has its significant struggles, these seem to pale in comparison to what was asked of my family simply because they wanted to remain alive. While I’m not sure I could do what they did, I now know that I have what it takes to get through whatever confronts me in my own life.
Questions to Ponder
Since my return, I’ve been doing a fair amount of reflecting on how I interact with the world and my strategies for living a productive life. I’d like to share some of my questions with you, to facilitate your own exploration:
- In your own life, have you faced challenges that at first seemed overwhelming and then — once you began to deal with the situation and put things into perspective by considering the struggles of others — discovered that in fact you could resolve them?
- Has your personal and/or family history shaped your current thinking and behaviour patterns? As you reflect on this, do you think this family history has helped, or hindered you in your life?
We’d love to hear your comments.
Please use the link below share your thoughts with the Upside community.
Happy Thanksgiving Canada! For those in other parts in the world, Canada celebrates Thanksgiving on the second Monday of October. Unlike the American tradition of remembering pilgrims and settling in the New World, Canadians give thanks for a successful harvest.
The history of Thanksgiving in Canada goes back to an English explorer, Martin Frobisher, who had been trying to find a northern passage to the Orient. In the year 1578, he held a formal ceremony, in what is now called Newfoundland, to give thanks for surviving the long journey. This is considered the first Canadian Thanksgiving. Other settlers arrived and continued these ceremonies. He was later knighted and had an inlet of the Atlantic Ocean in northern Canada named after him – Frobisher Bay
One of the core Upside values is gratitude, and Thanksgiving, or any day for that matter, is a great opportunity to take time personally and with loved ones to reflect on our present lives and as well as our future hopes and dreams.
There is of course much that is wrong, challenging and difficult in our world today and it is easy to be consumed by it. At the same time there is much that is right. As I shared when I first introduced this column 6+ months ago, there have been some powerful individual shifts in many people as a result of our challenging economic times.
These shifts may be worth repeating:
Despite hardship, fear and worry about the future, a number of people report that their lives have also improved in some of the following ways:
- Spending more quality time with family and friends
- Becoming more resilient and re-prioritizing key aspects of their lives
- Reflecting on and shifting their core values, lifestyles and spending habits
- Reaching out and helping others, even when their personal financial situation is deteriorating
Reflecting on your own experience over the last year or so…
- How well does your life parallel the above observations?
- What things are you particularly grateful for?
Happy Thanksgiving and Gratitude Day to everyone….
Submitted by Michele Fogal
My husband has recently been suffering from a mysterious and debilitating illness. It’s like an episode of the show “House” around here: trips to the ER, baffled doctors, concerned family, and inconclusive tests. The working diagnosis (meaning, the best guess so far) is that he has a hole in the lining of his brain and his spinal fluid is leaking out. Dry brain is no picnic, let me tell you. Anyway, as he lay around this summer, unable to sit or stand for weeks on end, my heart went out to him and I felt a new closeness to him that I have always yearned to attain.
Back in the early days of my marriage, I looked around at other married couples with dread. Were wives always bitter and husbands always distant? Was this what staying married had to be like? It scared me, the number of marriages around me that seemed deeply dysfunctional and angry.
This started me on a life-long pursuit of “the better marriage”. I have sought out and carefully studied those rare couples that really seem to be making it work. What I have witnessed is this: they don’t actually get along! It’s not that they’ve stopped butting in, ignoring, bossing around, stubbornly resisting, and endlessly repeating all the other habits that drive each other crazy. They have just learned to participate in the banter with humour and affection.
I believe that every downturn in life can end up having long-term positive effects. But this hole in the brain thing…how could there be any upside to this?
What I’ve found is that illness has bled away the small stuff of life and revealed that the things we normally fret over are not important at all. I’ve re-found my deep affection for my husband’s self-reliance and firm independence and can laugh at the fact that these are the very attributes that make him a difficult patient to care for. His illness has given me the gift of humour and affection, and these allow me to fully experience my love for him.
It brings new meaning to the phrase “I need that like I need a hole in the head.” You never know what disasters might be great opportunities dressed in ridiculous costumes. Perhaps someday, I will glance back at life itself and feel sincere affection for its zany, hilarious charm.
The link below leads to a TED talk about the brain, illness and the strange strokes of fate that can turn life in a new direction. Not suitable for the medically squeamish!
Questions to consider:
- Have you seen illness have a positive effect on someone close to you?
- Are there “disasters” in your own life that have turned out to be blessings? Has “bad luck” ever pushed you to make major positive change in your life?
- Do you believe that every downturn in life can end up with long-term positive effects? If so, how does this faith affect your life?
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